From Newlywed to Widow: How Sharing my Story Led to Healing and Purpose

The ink had barely dried on their marriage certificate when her life was thrust into an abyss of confusion, loss and despair. Many whom she sought comfort from turned their backs and wanted nothing to do with her. It took five years to garner the courage to share her story. Once she did, the weight slowly began to lift.

Kajuju Kimathi, an author, entrepreneur, certified professional mediator, youth and teenage mentor, and founder of Together as One Kithirune Community- based Organization, is an avid learner intent on drawing lessons from everyday life.

“I view myself as a self-inspired person who believes in learning every day and being positive,” Kajuju told The Weight She Carries.

Her positive nature has served her well in times when life demanded more than it gave – times when the world around her made little sense.

Born to farmers, Kajuju grew up in a village in Meru County, Kenya. While her parents worked hard to support their family of five, money was scarce.

“There were very many struggles of lack in our village,” she said. “Sometimes we were sent home from school for no school fees. We’d stay home until our parents found money, then go back to school. It was really a challenge.”

Life was tough, but the family powered through. Then another dynamic surfaced. Kajuju’ s mother began suffering from mental illness.

“Society started stigmatizing us because they believed that she was bewitched. You know African culture – when someone has mental health issues, people assume that someone cast a spell on them. They don’t believe in taking them to hospitals,” she said.

For 10 years, Kajuju watched her mother struggle mentally. At some point, her parents separated due to pressure from their community. The elders had disapproved of her father marrying a woman from a different tribe. And now, her mother’s mental challenges cemented their ill feelings.

Unfortunately, her mother succumbed to hypertension. Kajuju was heartbroken. But what she could never have imagined then was that another death a few years later would ravage her world yet again.

Kajuju met her husband in her mid- 20s at work.

“I would describe him as a very strong and focused person who really wanted to help others,” she said. “He was a mentor to many, and I attribute my success today to what he helped me achieve.”

The couple courted for four years before tying the knot in 2013. But less than a year later, Kajuju’s husband suddenly became ill.

“He had gone to a conference for a week,” she said. “It was during harvest time, and I was at our rural home. Upon his arrival it started raining, so I [asked him] to help me cover the maize because the workers had already left. He did and we spent the evening together. Around 3 a.m., he woke me up saying he wasn’t feeling well and needed to be taken to the hospital.”

Kajuju’s husband told her to remain home; his cousin would take him to the hospital instead. Upon arrival, the doctor ran some tests and noticed that her husband’s blood pressure was severely elevated. Before any medical intervention could be performed, he passed away. The post- mortem report revealed that he had suffered a heart attack. He was 35. Kajuju was three months pregnant and just 29 years old at the time.

“I was devastated. I never thought that at some point my husband would die. When he passed away, I sunk into my own world. I was confused and didn’t know what was happening.”

Some of her husband’s family members accused Kajuju of killing him. Rumours swirled for some time, and she was not allowed to attend any of the family meetings discussing her husband’s funeral and burial.

“I was just informed of the date by one of the family members,” she said. “Fortunately, the company my husband worked for had a command center that broadcasted information to the entire company. They sent updates on the funeral plans and that’s how I stayed informed.”

None of the money collected during the mourning period was given to Kajuju. The couple owned a farm, and some of his family members began selling their property and pocketing the proceeds behind Kajuju’s back.

“There’s nothing I could have done because I didn’t have the strength. You cannot fight people when you are mourning; you’ re in pain, so you just let things be,” she said.

While her husband was alive, Kajuju had been close to his family. In fact, when her mother-in-law had suffered a stroke years earlier and required extensive care and regular trips to the clinic, Kajuju had stepped up to the task. She had also helped financially support the child of one of her sisters-in-law who needed help with school fees.

“When my husband died, everything changed,” she said. “It was really tough for me. My mother- in- law even said that when she dies, I shouldn’t even come to her burial.”

While at a prenatal checkup, a neighbour called Kajuju to inform her that her brother-in-law and sister- in- law had broken into her house.

“I later learned that they were searching for title deeds, burial documents and [my husband’s] IDs,” she said. “ Fortunately, I had given those documents to my aunt. When they could not get what they were looking for, they took my husband’s clothes and other items in the house and divided them amongst themselves.”

“I had not transferred my husband’s property to my name. Succession in our country is a very tedious and expensive process. At the time, I didn’t have money to do succession because the lawyers were expensive. The cheapest I found was 100,000 Kenya shillings ($725 USD). When my husband died, his brother closed his bank accounts, so I couldn’t withdraw even a penny.”

Kajuju left her marital home and went to live with her parents. She gave birth to a son in September 2014.

“I started [sinking] into depression slowly without knowing. I didn’t want to talk to people and would enclose myself in the house for long periods. This went on for some time. My parents realized I was not well, but I believe there was nothing they could have done at that point.”

“My faith was really affected. At some point, I did not believe that God exists because how could this God take away my husband at this young age? How could God allow me to become a widow when my life had just begun? When we were building dreams as a couple? I stopped going to church. My faith was at its lowest, and for those years, I believed God was against me.”

After living with her parents for a year, one of Kajuju’ s sisters, who lived in Nairobi, took her in and asked her to run one of her businesses. It was a fresh start, but the weight of her pain, stress and depression proved too heavy to ignore.

“My sister took my son to live with her because she has children. I lived alone close by and visited him daily. I knew if I stayed with him, I would have really made my son go through trauma because of my depression. I’m always grateful to my sister because she understood what I was going through.”

Her social circle dwindled because most of her friends no longer wanted to be associated with her.

“The stigma of a widow is very hard. Some women fear that you will take their husbands or think you have a spell that will make their husbands die. I could not attend married couples’ seminars because I didn’ t have a husband. I also couldn’t go with the singles because I’ve been married. So, you are on a journey of your own, which is very difficult. No one understands it.”

Seeing her struggles, one of her sister’s friends referred Kajuju to a counselor.

“That’s when I opened up. For five years, I hadn’t been able to talk about my pain or my story. It had been eating me up inside. But when I started opening up and talking to my counselor, I started feeling that some weight was being lifted little by little. As I shared my story and my struggles, I got some healing.”

Through an organization that supports widows, Kajuju learned that she could represent herself in court and filed her case. After a year, succession was granted. Experiencing the struggles that widows go through propelled her to create a movement to support widows.

“In Kenya, when your husband dies, the first thing your in-laws do is close the bank account, go to the company where he worked, and tell them not to release the benefit to you. So many, many widows have suffered. I decided to fight for the rights of widows in Kenya by advocating for their rights, providing psychosocial support and equipping them with skills to do business and become entrepreneurs.”

In 2021, Kajuju founded her organization, Together As One Kithirune Community-based Organization, without any financial backing or support. She focused on Meru and Samburu counties. Determined to help widows in need, she organized an event to provide food and other basic necessities.

“I cried seeing teenage widows – one as young as 13. Some girls are married off at the age of nine in that community to old men. And if their husband dies, they become widows. [The young girl] was confused and didn’t know where to start. She hadn’t even gone to school.”

Every time she plans an event, Kajuju relies on her social network to support the cause and donate food and other necessities.

“I’m praying that I’ll get some grant to support my windows in some way to start small businesses. I realize that they need some projects to do so that they can take their children back to school. It can even improve their self-esteem because they will be earning their own money and in charge of their finances.”

To widows, Kajuju has some words of encouragement: “It is hard to tell someone to be strong when they’re going through grief, but I encourage you to be strong. Join a support group, then get to learn what the law says about widows in your country.”

Kajuju attributes much of her healing to giving her pain a voice and realizing that God is with her.

“I’m getting to understand that if God allows something to happen, He has a way to help you come out of it,” she said. “I’m healing every day,” she said. “Every time I share my story, I get some relief. So today, I’m better than yesterday.”

Kajuju has written a book called Withering the Storm detailing her story of widowhood, grief and healing. It is available on Jumia, or you can calll +254715607257 or email kajujukimathi79@gmail.com to get your copy.