Dear Sex Offender,
Are you alive or dead? I choose to imagine that you are alive because that’s what I feel on most days.
I gave up on hoping that one day you’ll come to apologize for robbing me of my sexual innocence, dignity, peace, trust, hope, pure imagination, and sense of safety. I lived believing that my well-being was pegged on your apology, but no, it’s not. I craved your apology daily to somehow validate my pain, but that meant living in prison. But now I’m free. Free from your threats and manipulative gifts. Free from the misbelief that your apology will heal me. It is this freedom that led me to write to you today.
See, some days are easy, and I don’t struggle to face the world, but other days are tough. And on those tough days, I remember how you took advantage of me, and shame shouts to remind me how I’m such a loser. That you had your moment of pleasure and are walking pain-free (I assume) without bearing the burden of the effects of being sexually assaulted. (Or do you know how it feels?)
On those days, I wish I could tear you apart just like Samson tore the lion with his bare hands, from your head down to your toes and burn your genitalia with hot coal but still keep you alive. But you know what? That won’t take away my pain. It won’t change what you did. We don’t heal by causing harm to others.
I have learnt to acknowledge the cry of my soul then present it to the keeper of my soul who says that vengeance is His. I don’t wish you death, and I stopped wishing evil over you. I know that you could be wondering what happened to all the good you did. It’s not easy not to throw out the baby with the bath water, especially when the baby turns into a half human, half puffadder. Would you keep such a baby?
I tried to think well of you and let the good cover up your dirty deeds, but like David, when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long (Psalm 32:3), so I chose to speak. I spoke because God desires truth in my inward parts, (Psalm 51:6). I spoke because I needed help. I spoke in search of healing because we cannot heal what we don’t reveal, yet your threats still came, haunting me.
I had to liberate myself from your threats and remembered that you have no control over my life. You have no power over me. You made me believe that you cared about me then you violated me. You made me feel so small so that you could rule over me. You allowed your insecurities to reduce your humanity. I pray that one day you’ll get to pay for your evil actions. Remember:
- God hates any form of violence. Just because thunder didn’t strike you doesn’t mean that God is done with you. Remember King David after he killed Uriah.
- No amount of kindness and philanthropy gives you the right to violate any person.
- Denying an offence doesn’t write it off.
- Acknowledging your offence won’t lower your value.
- Saying sorry will give you peace somehow.
- You don’t have to stay evil just because you did evil.
- Threatening the person you violated won’t cover up your offence.
- Pretending it never happened won’t make you a saint.
Repent and turn from your wicked ways.
“Broken but Beautiful” is a weekly column by Faith Gor, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. She shares her story and healing journey to offer hope to other survivors.
Faith is a daughter, a sister, an aunt and a friend. She is a children’s content creator at Learn & Grow enterprises, an artist and a public speaker. She tells her story to offer hope, help and healing to survivors of sexual abuse.