“Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.” – Proverbs 18:24
What are you learning about adult friendships? I recently read a meme saying, ‘adult friendship
= 2 people saying, “We need to catch up soon”, “Yes, we should…” until years pass by and one of the two people dies.’ It’s a real but dark joke.
Growing up I enjoyed my early childhood because of my 5 brothers. I learned a lot from them. I remember going fishing, hunting wild hares, catching birds, playing soccer, cooking while singing together, and visiting some of their friends. Their friends became my friends and treated me like their own little sister.
As years went by, separation began to take place. I cherished the mornings we’d go to school
together. I struggled to make friends in school and I kept to myself most of the time. My mama
tells me how I used to play by myself when my brothers weren’t around. I enjoyed solo play. I
still do to date.
One day my brother introduced me to one of his friends’ sister. She was cute, warm, and gentle. I
looked forward to seeing her. Two years later I was transferred to another school and had to
make friends and learn to survive without my brothers. I held back for some time, I didn’t trust
easily. My trust was broken at age 5 when some girls in my neighborhood set me up to be
violated. Since then, my trust in women has been shaky. It’s something I’m still working on.
I’d observe people until I felt safe then I’d let them into my little world, and even then, they’d only come to the window. The door was locked, and it didn’t have keys.
I enjoyed the circle of friends I made in primary school. We had each other’s backs. They’d help me in writing notes (to avoid being punished for my handwriting, lol) and I’d help in doing math assignments and
drawings. We’d take turns to buy each other snacks. Those were little angels that God placed in
my life.
In high school, I met lovely souls. The drill was the same, I held back till an individual was tried
and tested and soon we built bonds that I cherish to date. My high school friends helped me gain
stability when my mum got a physical disability.
In college, life was a bit different, I was avoidant. I even remember a friend telling me that I was complicated, but I didn’t know what to tell her. I couldn’t keep engaging with people who went behind my back or took advantage of my naivety. Being avoidant helped me survive.
First forward to 2017, I had a health breakdown and I realized that most of the connections I had were either church, work, or online based. I didn’t have friendships where I’d show up undone without feeling fixed or misunderstood. I began being intentional about my connections.
I nurtured all, some grew and some stalled. When I learned that every individual bears the image
of God, I became more present when interacting with people.
With time I came to appreciate our diversity. I accepted that I could not keep every connection I made. I came to appreciate that in life’s journey, every person we meet is a teacher. They bear a message for us for our current season. Some will keep walking with you, some will take a different route, never to connect again, and some we’ll meet on our journey ahead.
Viewing friendships in this manner helped me to stop having unrealistic expectations. I learned that we serve others because we want to, and not so that they too can serve us in return. I learned that sometimes we’ll meet one-time sojourners whom we are meant to just serve for a season and then leave, but can mistake them for a long-term companion and end up being wounded when they make choices that don’t align with our values.
Viewing friendships as an adventure has made it so easy for me to honour every connection I
make. Branding everyone as a ‘friend’ is setting ourselves up for preventable heartbreaks. Here’s
what I’m learning:
1. Define your friendships
Labeling your connections correctly honours you and your connections.
Sharing a similar goal or working together does not make people friends. Defining your
connections will help you set appropriate expectations on the right connections. For example,
Family(blood), Acquaintances, Church-colleagues, Workmates, Schoolmates, Neighbors, Gym-
buddy, Singing-buddy, Reading-buddy etc. Know who’s in your inner circle – Jesus had this too.
2. Envision your end
I learned this from Stephen Covey. If you were to imagine your funeral service, who would be there? What would they say about you? What do you want them to say about you? Begin being that person to the people you saw at your ‘funeral’. Relationships are built, not wished.
3. Be the friend you want to have
Show up authentically. Set boundaries. Remember that each one of us is flawed. Have friends that grow you in different areas of your life. Uphold confidentiality. Cover people’s nakedness in prayer. Show up for your friends. Meet your friends where they are. Be kind. Be respectful. When a friendship has expired (many will) be open to meeting new people. Allow people to choose or not choose you, such is life.
Hold on to the friend who never gave up on you. Your meme friend may not be your depth friend, and
that’s okay. Help your friends understand you by telling them where you’re at and how you’d
want them to show up for you.
4. Friendships are sacred, honour them
You’ll have misunderstandings, choose to repair gently. While at it, remember you’re a separate individual,
don’t lose yourself while trying to prove yourself. Uphold your values. Pray for good friends.
Pray for your friends. Tell them that you love them. Have fun!
Every connection has its place in our healing journey. It’s possible that some connections can lose their relevance at some point in our healing journey. When that happens, honour what you gained from it and pay the kindness forward.
People are complex and imperfectly beautiful. God loves us so much! He uses people to get to us. He wants to use you to show love and kindness to other humans. Trauma may have taught us to hide, but we cannot allow the enemy to rob us of the joy of enjoying making connections and living life to the fullest!
Having healthy connections is living an abundant life. Now, go and be an amazing friend. Share this with a friend.
Faith is a Children’s Content Creator at Learn & Grow enterprises, Storyteller and Mental Health Advocate. She tells her story to offer hope, help and healing to survivors of sexual trauma.