I know what you’re thinking. How hard could it possibly be? (Insert eye roll). Bajillions of women do this thing every single day, including teenagers! Books upon books have been written about motherhood. Is there anything new to be told?
But this actually isn’t supposed to be some kind of doom and gloom warning about the dangers of birthing and raising a human. I come in peace, with one child hanging off my neck while the other asks me for the 86th time how I know for sure that Santa isn’t allergic to dairy. So this is more of a FYI kind of thing. Below is a list of things I was never informed of prior to having two whole children, whom I love with all my heart, but I’m just saying, a heads up would have been nice. So you’re welcome.
1. Leggings are everything.
I love my leggings and my leggings love me. They don’t give me the side eye I get from my jeans when I try and squeeze my new found generous girth into them. My leggings make room. They accommodate all of me, judgment free. They even go further and low key make me feel like a yoga queen.
Namaste.
2. Privacy is nothing.
You will never be alone again. Ever. The toilet seems to be a favourite gathering spot for the little ones. They follow you with military precision into the loo and take their respective positions, and just kind of hang around until you’re done. Like security personnel. If one doesn’t get the memo, and is heard shouting for attention on the outside, the other is sure to announce, “We’re in here!!! Mommy’s pooping!!!” But take heart; you eventually won’t notice them anymore.
You will also learn that you can shower in 60 seconds flat. It’s not something one can explain. There is just an urgency to the act of showering that was never there before. There is a risk that if you do something silly like enjoy the shower, or even more outrageous, a bubble bath (!!!) your house might burn down, or you might find the contents of your handbag floating inside the toilet. The cases tend to be unique from child to child, but the bottom line is, you need to hurry!!
You may run, and you may try to hide, but they will find you faster than Liam Neeson could get those guys in that movie…speaking of movies…
3. What Are Movies?
Just forget about it. Read the story while you’re in the bathroom, ask your friends about it, check out the reviews online. But you will never finish another non-animated movie for as long as you live.
4. I love Peppa Pig.
She’s like some kind of magic potion, that Peppa! She ends every fight. She makes everything better. Like chocolate, but with less tooth decay. Whenever I need a moment of peace, whenever I need to not be spoken to, whenever I need to hear my thoughts, I just call on Peppa Pig and her family, and my little people are immediately captivated. Almost hypnotized. Of course she can’t keep them out of my toilet trips but I guess no one is perfect.
5. I hate Peppa Pig.
OMG….I. CAN. NOT. (Insert INTENSE eye roll!!!) There’s only so much one adult can endure.
