Lilian Choruwa is a bubbly mother of two and a grandmother of one. Life is good now, but when she was 20, she found herself pregnant and alone, with no one to turn to.
Raised in a family of six children, her family moved back and forth between Zimbabwe’s capital, Harare, and Karoi – a town almost 3 hours away.
“My dad was very strict; but in a household full of girls I suppose it [came] with the territory,” Lilian told The Weight She Carries. “I attended Chinhoyi High School and it was after writing my O’Levels that I moved permanently back to Harare, where I met the father of my first child.”
What followed was a whirlwind romance that ended in heartbreak. Lilian recounted her experience of love, pain and rejection, and what it took to rebuild her life.
Q: How did you meet your then-boyfriend?
I was doing my Lower 6 when I met him one day. I had visited a friend who was working in town and he happened to be in the same building. He was a very handsome guy then. We hit it off immediately. I suppose being an older guy, he knew exactly what to say and do and, stupidly, I fell for it.
It was a whirlwind romance to say the least. I was literally swept off my feet and I remember the following months were blissful. I think we dated for almost six months and I remember the first day he took me to see his mother. She looked at me sternly and told me that I was too young and naïve, and should leave her son alone. I remember feeling like I had been hit by a tornado and a chill went through my spine.
Just a few months down the road, the inevitable happened: I discovered I was pregnant. I was only 20! How I discovered my pregnancy makes me laugh till today. I ate some fried eggs and immediately threw up. I remember my mother just looked at me, shocked and said “Lilian, is this a pregnancy?” I innocently refused but she said I had never vomited since birth. She knew me better than anyone else.
Q: What was your boyfriend’s reaction to the news?
I went to my boyfriend’s office and told him all that had occurred. He gave me money to buy the necessary test. The test was positive, and from that moment, to say that my problems started would be an understatement. What transpired was a total nightmare. As soon as I gave him the results, he just looked at me and said I had to get rid of this pregnancy because there was no way he could have a child. He didn’t even mince his words. I looked at him shocked and powerless, and sadly knew that he was serious. I refused and he went on to tell me that I would be on my own. True to those words, I began a sad, lonely, difficult journey.
I confided in a cousin of mine and unbeknownst to me, he told my dad. As soon as I walked into the house, my mother just wailed. “Lilian, you will have me killed by your father!” I blurted out that the guy didn’t want the child and that made the situation even more complicated. That same day, my dad came from work and threw me out.
Q: Where did you go?
The nightmare had only begun, and my sad journey spanned four years. I went back and forth between relatives, begging them to provide shelter for me but no one took me in. By then, the father of my child had totally barred me from seeing him. His mother, like she had warned, wasn’t willing to take me in, although I did stay at her house for a few days. I then went to a shelter for pregnant girls who have been disowned by their families and stayed there for some time.
There was no support system whatsoever from my family. I remember I only had one maternity dress that a friend bought me. She was the one person who would check up on me and buy some small stuff for me. My mother, by then, wasn’t feeling well and my father had disowned me. I wasn’t allowed to be seen near our house. During my last week of pregnancy, I tried one more time to reach out to him, but to no avail.
Some weeks earlier, I went to ask him for money to buy “preparation stuff” and he flatly told me he wasn’t going to pay anything! He even refused to give me money to go back to [where I was staying] and suggested that I go and sleep at National Railways. Those days people used to sleep there waiting for transport. I ended up going at Central Police to seek refuge, and in the morning, some police officers gave me money to go home.
Q: How did you manage after the baby came?
After delivery, I managed to get a job and I started working. I worked like a robot, to the extent that a position was created for me to become a permanent staff member.
When a man tells you point blank that he doesn’t want you, there are no negotiations. I remember I just cried in front of him that day. Genuine tears that just poured out. For some strange reason that day, something in me changed. A note that I cannot even fully describe was struck. I remember telling myself that I would survive all this. All I could say to him was, “I don’t hate you because your own mother told me to leave you, but it was too late.” I walked out of his office for the last time.
Q: How Did you deal with the pain of rejection?
Mine is a very long story but looking back it had to happen the way it did. I blamed myself mostly for being so naive. You know you grow up being told about these men…how they prowl on innocent girls. I had a very normal, loving family and I suppose I was just stubborn and thought I knew it all. I blamed myself for not listening to all the advice I had been given. I did blame the guy for lying and giving me false hopes though I quickly decided that I had to accept that in life, you can never ever force someone to love you. I think that acceptance has helped me a lot in every relationship I have had. Love is a mutual feeling, and you are a happier person when everything flows naturally.
I have learnt that acceptance of any situation will give you an option. You choose to be in a situation, whether bad or good, there is always a choice to stay or move on. I have also learnt that one can never really know a person, even if you stay with that person for 20 years. A human being can just wake up and change, no situation is permanent. Looking back, maybe I should have taken time to date him longer and probably the red flags would have really been visible. I will never really know.
Q: What advice do you have for other women who find themselves pregnant and alone?
My advice to young women is:
- Learn to make the right choice. If something is off about someone, it probably is off. Listen to your intuition. It rarely fails you. The red flags are always there if you really listen.
- Mistakes do happen and your past should never determine your future. Our lives are not set out to be straight forward. The key to making your life worthwhile is to work hard. Resilience and perseverance are my motto. Focusing on a goal is of utmost importance. When you work hard, guard your wealth. Protect yourself and think of the legacy you want to leave for your children. I have often encouraged my friends in abusive relationships by saying, “If you cannot leave for your own good, then at least leave for the sake of your children.”
- Have your own values and stick to them. Learn to say no even if it hurts inside. The desire to please everyone is always a disaster. Do what makes you happy.
- There is nothing wrong in finding love but don’t let 10 minutes of great sex ruin your life. Always know that the only thing certain is death. Learn to work hard, earn your own money and be grateful for the little you have. As long as it’s your own, nobody will come and dictate what to do in your life.
- Have self-worth. Never ever beg someone to love you. It’s ok to be single and happy. Don’t force marriage!
Despite all I endured the greatest achievement is coming out alive and victorious!
