“Trauma happens in relationships. So, it can only be healed in relationships.” – Alanis Morissette
Building relationships can be difficult for survivors of childhood trauma. In the words of Ryan North, “Our brains are wired for connection, but trauma rewires them for protection”.
Our reaction to relational trauma has the potential to lead us to build walls that we imagine will keep us safe while denying ourselves the privilege of receiving care from those who love and delight in us.
So, how do we show up in relationships without self-abandonment? I’ll share with you what I’m learning.
We are relational beings and were created for relationships. The first set of humans (Adam and Eve) were wounded in their first relationships…
…when Eve fell for the lie from the snake and ate the fruit from the forbidden tree.
…when Adam threw Eve under the bus to save himself but ended up bearing the consequence of being passive in the relationship.
Going against God’s perfect will for them left a wound in the human race, and it is stuck in our DNA.
We’ve been repeating this trauma in our lives knowingly or unknowingly. We inherited blame, fear, and a broken sense of trust.
We show up in relationships with fear that we will let each other down. And the shame that comes with that thought sometimes causes us to put on fig leaves as masks that help us feel accepted and give us a sense of fitting in while forgetting that we already belong to the larger family of God.
Knowing what relational trauma breaks in us can help us identify the broken areas in our lives and seek the necessary support.
One of the major areas that trauma breaks in us is our sense of identity. It’s normal for us to build our identity around our relationships, achievements, and possessions. When faced with a life-threatening event that shakes the relationship of what we value, we tend to feel confused, alone, and begin questioning who we are without the lifestyle we knew. I experienced this when one of my parents left our family.
I didn’t know how to identify myself. I couldn’t say I was an orphan because my parent was alive. I felt invisible most of the time, I didn’t feel like I could fit into the world. Until one time when I heard someone read Psalm 27:10, ‘Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me,’(NIV) and I held on to that scripture.
It helped me see that God cared, that He saw me, and that my pain, unspoken questions, and confusion mattered to Him. Though trauma may have broken our sense of identity in what we valued and lost, our identity in God, our Creator, as His children, can never be shaken.
The second area that trauma breaks in us is our sense of trust. Do you struggle with ‘trust issues?’ What happened to you?
We show up in relationships authentically, hoping that we’ll be loved and accepted. But when wounded by someone we have a deep connection with, we tend to put our guard up and become hypervigilant. We often either do not trust at all, or trust too much, too soon.
Learning to trust again takes time.
It means taking stock of where we missed subtle, harmful patterns.
It means learning to trust our gut again.
It means praying for discernment and trusting our God-given wisdom.
Attending to our body signals regularly helps build our trust. For example, hydrating when we’re thirsty, resting when we’re tired, and feeding our bodies when we’re hungry. This helps our system to give us the right warning signals when interacting with others so we don’t trust blindly.
When taking steps to begin trusting again, remember Maya Angelou’s words, ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.’ Be curious and ask questions; that’s the only way you’ll gather enough data to determine the level of trust you’ll offer.
Trauma deeply affects our relationships by breaking our voice. This is because trauma thrives in silence. It dominates our lives with a heavy sense of shame. The effects show up as an inability to express oneself, or sometimes communication can be strained, which might lead to misunderstandings from unresolved emotions.
One way to take back our voice is by naming what happened.
When we name what happened to us, we return the offense to the offender and claim back our space, our energy, our voice, and our bodies.
This empowers us to take charge of our healing journey. Healing means telling our stories accurately, without blame, shame, or minimizing our experiences. It means telling our stories with dignity, grace, faith, and hope, knowing that our voices hold the power to call others out of the pit of lies and shame and begin walking in the light of truth and liberation.
Unhealed trauma may make you feel unworthy of love, trust, care, and support. But the truth is, you, my friend, are valuable and worthy of healing, support, care, and love. I can’t wait to meet your healed self. The world longs to delight in you. You deny us the joy of delighting in you every time you hide your beautiful soul from us. You belong.
Love,
Faith
Faith is a Children’s Content Creator at Learn & Grow enterprises, Storyteller and Mental Health Advocate. She tells her story to offer hope, help and healing to survivors of sexual trauma.