“For You shaped me, inside and out. You knitted me together in my mother’s womb long before I took my first breath. I will offer You my grateful heart, for I am Your unique creation, filled with wonder and awe. You have approached even the smallest details with excellence; Your works are wonderful; I carry this knowledge deep within my soul.” – Psalm 139:13-14
A few months ago, a friend invited me to speak to girls at a puberty party she organized for her kids’ birthday celebration. I was surprised because she’s someone I look up to. Her voice held so much confidence, and that gave me the confidence to show up! I prepared myself, and by God’s grace, the day came. At the party, I decided to draw a diagram to use for my presentation.
The children at the party were curious and came to ask what I was drawing. I said that I was drawing a flower. One of the boys said, ‘That’s not a flower, it’s a female reproductive system!’
I smiled and congratulated him in my heart. I went on to say it looks like a flower to me. They gave me a weird look and let out a nervous laugh. I asked whether they wanted to help me draw. A few said they were scared, but some said yes.
Soon, it was time for the talk…
The boys went separately with their facilitator, and the girls joined me at the table. I interviewed them and got a clear understanding of the ground I was walking on. My heart sank when I realized that they felt shame over being girls, puberty, the menstrual cycle, and their body image. I had to lay a safe and gentle foundation while affirming them of their beauty, their gender, their body, and the changes that come with puberty.
I could see how lighter they felt from their facial expressions, and then I progressed with my presentation. At the end, the boys came, and we had a joint talk on the menstrual cycle and its impact on our lives. We ended that with cake cutting, and it was fun.
Many of us grew up with shame around our body image, sexuality, and puberty. I don’t know about you, but this is not something I’d like to pass down to future generations.
Having a shame-based view of ourselves can make us vulnerable to abuse. Because we’ll tend to depend on external approval to feel nice about ourselves or to feel accepted. We can equip children by having conversations with them around body image, sexuality, and puberty, and letting them know that we’re the first library they run to when they have questions, because counterfeit information exists all around us.
You may wonder, ‘But Faith, how do I start?’ Well, nature has a way of presenting opportunities for us to begin having these conversations in our homes. This is because children are curious. They ask about what they see, feel, and hear. So, let’s begin:
Body Image
Talking to your child about body image is important at every stage of their life. This involves beauty, body weight, height, hair, skin tone, and complexion. Children pick up comments made about their bodies and believe them. How we define beauty will determine how we present it to our child.
The comments we make about our body shape, how we look in our clothes, give children a perspective on how to view themselves.
With children, it’s not enough to tell; we must model what we tell them. If beauty is who we are inside, then they shouldn’t hear us describing how ugly other people’s walking style or face is.
Many communities in Africa value beauty in one’s appearance, complexion, or figure. Girls growing up in such communities may feel the pressure to either change their skin tone to fit in or take pills, injections, or undergo procedures to increase their hips or busts to look more appealing and fit into society’s beauty standards. An affirmation of a child’s true beauty from their primary caregiver goes a long way. It’ll save them the agony that comes with comparison and low self-worth.
Sexuality
Sex is a hot topic in many spaces, but hushed when it comes to talking about it with our children. Sex is God-made. We are sexual beings. This is not to objectify our bodies; there’s dignity around sex when honored within the right boundaries. In the Bible, the Israelite families had the laws around sexuality read to them in public worship spaces (Leviticus 18). This helped them remain safe from violating each other.
We can only have this talk comfortably with our children when we’ve worked through our own sex story.
When talking to children about their sexuality, use the correct names for their genitalia. Nicknaming body parts can easily set them up for abuse. Talk about consent and remind them that children do not consent to sex. Talk about what’s safe and unsafe touch. Talk about gender dysphoria and seek professional support when needed.
The Lord will give you the wisdom to provide age-appropriate answers as you journey with your child. This is not a talk you have in one sitting; the education continues as the child grows. It has no structure, it’s organic, but it starts early.
Puberty
I first heard about puberty in school when a team of ladies came to our school while I was in Grade 5. They talked to us about periods and gave us sanitary towels. I zoned out from the talks because I didn’t find them relatable. I also had shame around my body. I only paid attention the next time they came.
I struggled with the thought of having breasts. Some naughty boys in our school would make fun of the changes we experienced. Puberty felt shameful for me. The hormonal changes that come with puberty can throw a child off balance. Girls may get dysregulated most of the time, and a lack of language for this makes them withdraw or sometimes get into conflicts.
Boys may struggle with erections and not know how to go about the changes that take place in their bodies. Some children experience changes in their skin, some get extremely dry, others get acne, and some get eczema. I had both. This affected my self-esteem because of the scars. I still have acne and eczema.
Managing the two can be challenging because the products that treat acne may trigger a flare-up of eczema. Helping a child understand how their body functions makes their growth more bearable.
We can support children by researching these changes and creating a guilt-free environment where they can show up undone and know that they’re loved and that they have support in their growth.
We need to normalize the changes that take place during puberty. We need to take back the role of educating our children. Let’s be the libraries they can come to for safe, healthy, sane, and gentle information.
The world may pressure them to fit in, but we are to keep reminding them that they belong. Children are to know that their bodies are precious. God values their body so much that He wants to live in them. If our bodies didn’t matter, Jesus wouldn’t have bothered living in one and taking a scarred body with Him to heaven.
Our bodies, with all the scars they bear, are precious.
Faith is a Children’s Content Creator at Learn & Grow enterprises, Storyteller and Mental Health Advocate. She tells her story to offer hope, help and healing to survivors of sexual trauma.