I read this on a Facebook post the other day, and I thought that truer words had never been spoken:
“If it requires my kid to sit still and keep quiet, I can’t come.”
Dinner party, wedding reception, church service…you name it. I’m not coming. By the end of the event, you, me, my kids and your other guests will be mad as hell and it’s just not worth it. If it requires my kids to be quiet and well behaved, it sounds like the kind of place that will probably require that I wear heels. Those two things are mutually exclusive and cannot happen at the same time.
If I wear heels, I plan to remain seated for the duration of the Thing. That means I cannot walk (much less run) to catch my kid before she knocks your wedding cake over. That also means I cannot walk my child to the toilet 635 times on that day.
Aside from that, the faces and sounds I would have to make in order to threaten my child into silence would not look good in your pictures. All I’m trying to say is, it’s not you, but it’s not me either. It’s them. It’s the kids.
You see, these little humans don’t come with a mute button. I hear there are pharmaceutical substances that might get them to sit still for some time but I don’t know if they’re all the way legal. Oh, I know there’s a perfect mom out there somewhere rolling her eyes and saying something like, “It’s all about discipline! Teach them who’s in charge!” But that’s the thing though, isn’t it love? I think they might be in charge sometimes. Sometimes I just give in and let them take the wheel, and I know that just won’t do at your lovely gathering. So I’m doing us all a favor when I regretfully decline.
Kids are noisy and hyperactive. They break things. They cry over nothing and they cry over everything. That’s just sort of what they do. They will tell your other guests if their hat looks like a bird’s nest. They’re inappropriate and obnoxious and they like to push the envelope to see how far they can go in certain situations. I don’t want your event to be a “certain situation” for them to test out. I also don’t want to have that mother from the last paragraph eyeing me disapprovingly over her spectacles from across the room as my kid zips across the aisle for reasons known only to said kid.
So, only if you’re sure. If you’re prepared to have my snarling face in your pictures, if you’re ready to deal with children wailing in the background of your video recording, if you’re ready to have something spilled on your guest of honor, then I’d love to come!
But do I have to wear heels though?
