In-depth Story: Learning to Heal After Years of Abuse by my Stepfather

Jasmine Frazier had an enjoyable childhood. Her mother, a single mother of four, made sure holidays were special and created family traditions Frazier remembers fondly.

“One of my favorite memories was going outside to play,” Frazier told The Weight She Carries. “Although my mother was a single mother, she made sure that we participated in holiday activities like trick-or-treating and other traditions I know I will definitely pass on to my kids someday.”

Being the oldest, Frazier learned responsibility at a young age. But when her mother became engaged to a man she had an on-again-off-again relationship with, what started out as a seemingly innocent gesture towards Frazier turned into sexual abuse.

“The abuse began at about age 10 or 11. My stepfather and my mother were soon-to-be-married when the abuse started,” she said.

“The very first encounter, happened in our basement…on the couch. It started with cuddling. I would be held and I thought that was fine but then it would go from holding to actually putting hands in places. And so the first encounter, as well as the encounters after, happened in the basement which was kind of like his man cave. It was very well thought out by him to make sure that my mother was sleeping because she worked nights as a nurse, so she slept during the day.”

– Jasmine Frazier

At the time, Frazier felt uncomfortable and knew it was wrong, but at that age, she was very conflicted by what her stepfather was doing to her because he was an adult, furthermore, someone she called a parent.

“He was my stepfather and the only father I’d known since I was one,” she said. “So there was some cognitive dissonance there – where I knew this was wrong, but as kids you look up to your parents and they cannot do any wrong, so it was a conflict for me.”

“I had a lot of guilt and shame. I was especially conflicted because it was around the time he was getting ready to marry my mom, so there was an enormous amount of pressure because I knew that if I said something, I would ultimately be breaking up the family. And I didn’t want to have that responsibility on me.”

– Jasmine Frazier

Frazier tried to justify her abuser’s behavior and made excuses for him. And as she grew older, she tried her best to suppress the memories and forget them all together.

The molestation continued until Frazier was well into her teenage years. Her stepfather also began showing her porn and adult toys that he and her mother used.

 “I remember, again, trying to justify his behavior,” she said. “I would go to school and ask my friends, ‘Does your dad give you massages?’ and they would say, ‘Yeah.’ I never went into details and asked if their fathers massaged them close between their legs, I would just ask in general. But that ‘yeah’ was enough for me to try to make it normal.”

Frazier kept the abuse secret until she was in college, when she found the courage to tell her mother. Leading up to the revelation, Frazier would tell her mother that her stepfather made her feel uncomfortable, but never went into detail. Interestingly, Frazier’s sister, who is her stepfather’s biological daughter, also came forward and told Frazier that he made her feel uncomfortable as well.

But at 19, Frazier finally revealed the details of the horror she had endured at the hands of her stepfather all those years.

At that particular time, her parents were fighting a lot and her mother was praying for a sign from God to confirm that she was ready to leave the marriage. So when Frazier told her mother the truth, her mother took it as the sign she was waiting for.

“My mother doesn’t really show emotion, she’s also a woman who experienced so much trauma in her life – from abuse from my biological father to infidelities with my stepfather and experiencing her mother’s suicide while in the home. My mother never got any therapy for many things that she went through. Because she’s been through so much I think she has grown to not show emotion. So, when I told her what happened, I didn’t get the reaction that I wanted. I wanted to see anger, I wanted to see rage, but instead all I got was silence. She was just shaking her head and cursing to herself. To this day, my mother and my abuser are still married.”

– Jasmine Frazier

Her stepfather expressed remorse when confronted.

“He is the father of all of my siblings, and I will admit I have tried to use my mother’s trauma as an excuse to explain why she’s in the cycle, but actually coming forward with my story has encouraged her to tell me that she also feels like a victim in this because of this hold that she feels my stepfather has on her,” Frazier said. “She feels that she has been manipulated as well – using suicide as a threat if my mother left him.”

Having witnessed her own mother’s suicide, the thought of another suicide ‘on her hands’ may have proved too difficult for her mother to imagine, Frazier believes.

“I think my mother knew that I would be okay but wanted to have the home with my siblings and their father. I know that my mother wanted to tend to my younger siblings and make sure that home life with them was still as normal as possible,” Frazier said. “Overall, I’m not trying to make excuses for my mother. I’ve had a lot of anger towards her over the years and I have expressed that to her.”

“Being the oldest, I’ve always been the responsible one, I’ve had to grow up faster. So, my mother, I think, sensed that I would be okay. I’ve always been independent – that’s something I got from her. I got out of the house and made something of myself. Now I’m living across the country and I’m doing well for myself.”

– Jasmine Frazier

Her mother choosing to remain with her husband has caused Frazier to ponder on whether to maintain a relationship with her mother.

“I think it’s very unhealthy and toxic to have a relationship with someone who is in that environment as well,” she said. “I love my mother to death, but it’s not easy to accept the fact that if I want to go home, I have to face my abuser whom she is still married to.”

When she turned 25, Frazier decided that she needed to be intentional about healing from her past. She committed to a year of focusing on her spiritual, physical, mental and emotional health.

“That was the year I declared I would put me first. I’m 26 now, so it hasn’t been that long, but it has been a very rewarding experience thus far,” she said.

“Guilt will really eat you alive if you let it.” – Jasmine Frazier

Frazier wants to share her journey to help people tell their stories and to find self-love again.

“There isn’t a point A to point B. The healing journey is not linear whatsoever. Some days tend to be harder than others, but overall, if my story can help somebody else, that’s more than what I could ask for. I want people to know that telling their story is a very freeing experience,” she said.