Today I was reminded of an important lesson I learnt a few years ago when my kids were younger.
I probably shouldn’t say learnt because I’m still learning to apply this lesson accordingly, which makes me concerned about my ability to learn…
Anyway, the lesson was on learning to say “no”.
When my kids were toddlers they had no trouble expressing their disapproval. I was often amazed at how easily “no” rolled off their tongues without reservation or regard for my feelings. But what I admired most was that, at 3 and 4, they were more courageous than I.
At some point during my years of schooling by the most inconsistent teacher of all, society, I learned that “no” was unacceptable. Whether this belief was imposed or observed, I can’t really tell. But somehow, I came to believe that if I said “No,” I was inconsiderate and selfish. If I disagreed, then of course I was a hater. And if I refused to accept flawed advice, well, I just had to be Miss know-it-all.
So, I packed away that dreadful word and placed it far from reach; avoiding it like the plague and subsequently giving my power away by being everything everyone else wanted me to be.
What a disservice to myself. It takes less courage to agree than it does to oppose.
“Love my neighbor as myself,” I personalize the well-known verse aloud. “As myself,” not “above myself.” That means I need to be as fair to myself as I am to others.
I realize now how I have subjected those around me to this flawed perception that being agreeable equals love for my neighbour. And worse still, I applied this concept to my relationship with God. When He didn’t go along with my plan and said “no,” I wrongly accused Him of not caring about me and alleged that He was showing favouritism when He gave something I wanted to someone else.
When I remember how my kids said no to me without regret or apology over and over again, a lesson long overdue becomes crystal clear: “no” is not a word stated in the absence of love or compassion, but one that mutually honours the one who utters it and the one who heeds.
Vimbai E. is a content marketer, ghostwriter, and the founder of The Weight She Carries. With hundreds of articles and stories publishing online, in print and for broadcast, her love of language and storytelling shines through every piece of writing that bears her name.