There are no butterflies in my stomach when I see you. I no longer crave your presence. I never thought that the person responsible for making me feel so happy and loved would be the same person who would inflict so much pain into my heart and make me feel so alone and miserable.
But I healed my heart and kissed my wounds. I accepted them as a part of me and moved on.
I moved on from being treated as an option. It wasn’t okay to put me last on your priority list and take me for granted, but I guess I loved you so much that I couldn’t let go. And in that process of loving you, I lost myself. I threw all my standards out the window.
You said you loved me. You said you couldn’t imagine your life without me. Heck, you even told me that you would love me forever. That you would change your evil ways for me. Well, I thank God every day that you didn’t. Thank God you stayed the same immature person so that I could finally find the strength to leave you.
Yes, it took a long time to heal from you, but I did it. I finally understood that it was not me. It wasn’t that I was undeserving of you, or undeserving of being chosen and loved for everything that I am.
I now know that God was saving me from all the pain and heartache. Because the time I spent with you gave me the hardest and greatest life lessons that happen eventually to every person.
These issues serve to break us open so that we can finally lose our egos and become our true selves. Today, when I think about you and the moments we had that I thought were happy, I realize that they were all coming with some kind of pain. Because how can someone say they are supporting you and are there for you during your illness but aren’t there to visit you when you are all alone in the hospital room, feeling like you are losing your mind and all you want is to see them.
That cold hospital room reminds me of why I walked away and why I will never come back. That hospital room was my slap of reality. I finally saw you for who you are. Now, I am thankful that we didn’t end up together.
You can say you are sorry all you want, but you are not coming back anymore. This time my door is shut for you. And it will stay shut forever. There will be no second chances anymore.
