This column documents Celine Njoki’s healing journey. If you haven’t read her story, we encourage you read it here. Her story is remarkable. You can also read the previous entries she has made to this column.
This week, Celine discusses the role forgiveness has played in her healing journey.
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Forgiveness is an easy subject to discuss when you are talking it in general. But it’s not as easy as it seems, especially when you feel justified and angry. Yet it’s the first step toward healing. I realized that I had a lot of grudges against people – my uncles, my ex-husband, my friends and even myself. I was lost and I didn’t know how to start over.
I never thought it was possible for me to forgive. I’ve gone through so many issues that I thought it was normal. I thought that this was meant to be my life. I never thought that one day I would be somewhere saying that I was forgiving people.
So, when my pastor started talking to me about forgiveness, I wondered what he was telling me. Why was he telling me that I must forgive? Did he know what I had gone through? But what I realized about unforgiveness is that it was like a cancer that was eating me up. Deep down I knew I had no other option but to forgive.
I remember going to the mirror and standing in front of it and looking at myself. It was the first time that I’d looked at myself that way in a long time. I never looked at myself in the mirror because I felt so ugly. The day I went to the mirror, I told myself that I’m beautiful and I would not hold any grudges against anyone, no matter what they had done to me. I started talking to myself and to God. I ask God for forgiveness for the things that I had done that day. I asked him to forgive me for not forgiving others because I realized how much He has forgiven me. Then I mention my mom and forgive her. I also forgave my dad for dying and leaving us. The real job came when I had to forgive my uncles. I travelled to their home to see them.
The hardest part came when I spoke with one of the uncles who molested me. Actually, he called me and asked for my forgiveness because he was sick and needed my forgiveness.
As I sat there, staring at him with memories of what he did to me long ago when I was just a small child. Those emotions came flooding back and I remember crying for so long, but I knew that I had no option but to forgive him. I looked into his eyes hours later and told him that I had forgiven him. It was that moment when I felt like a giant weight had been lifted off of my shoulder.
Another person I needed to forgive with my ex-husband. I remember locking myself in my bedroom and crying. I cried and I cried. I remembered how young I was when I met him, and I felt like he had wasted my time and then abandoned me with the children.
I didn’t have his contact information, so I called one of his friends who gave me his contacts. I called him and I told him that I had forgiven him for all the pain and everything he put me through.
Forgiveness is a process. Memories can be so painful and I’m not always able to forgive there and then, but I know, in time, God will give me the grace to forgive those who I haven’t forgiven.
But the most important person I need to forgive was myself. I needed to know that I didn’t do anything wrong to warrant the kind of pain I went through.
I encourage anyone who is carrying the weight of the things that have been done to you to just let it go. It is not worth it to carry burdens in your heart. I have a carefree laugh now. Even though the memories still come back, I never let them steal my peace.
As I move along this journey of healing, I realize that I actually looked older when I was carrying all of that unforgiveness in my heart. And now, I look younger. God has been my strength and has giving me the greatest gift. Forgiveness is the best decision I made for myself.
