This column documents Celine Njoki’s healing journey. If you haven’t read her story, we encourage you read it here. Her story is remarkable. You can also read the previous entry she made to this column.
This week, Celine discusses how not knowing how to select friends impacted her negatively growing up and caused her tremendous pain as an adult.
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Friendship is a subject that is close to my heart because I have been betrayed and stabbed many times by “friends,” “best friends” or people I looked up to. I will start with my family who was supposed to take care of me but they didn’t teach me how to make friends. Even in school, I wasn’t able to make friends. What happened was I joined a clique of friends who were rebellious, and so I became rebellious, too. I wouldn’t listen to my teachers and thought that was the way I should live.
When I got married, my ex refused to be my best friend. At times I think I am to blame because I didn’t know how to handle him and he didn’t know how to handle me, so I developed bitterness and I wanted revenge. I didn’t know how to be a friend. And when the children came, I didn’t know how to be a friend to my children either.
I associated friendship with betrayal because, at times, my husband would sleep with my best friend. They even had a child together. It broke my heart so badly because she was my best friend. She was the person whom I shared so many things with. She was the one who pretended to be for me but she stabbed me in the back. My heart hardened with regard to friends. So I decided I would start stabbing people in their backs as well.
I remember when I left my husband, I was still young, 25, and I would get all these advances from men. What I would do is make them fall in love with me and then I would break their hearts. I broke so many hearts. I left so many wounded souls. I regret that to this day, but at least I have had the chance to meet some of them and apologize. I didn’t know how to love. I didn’t know how to be a friend.
I kept wondering how I could make things right. Every time a person would approach me, I assumed they had a bad agenda, especially women. I know that I’m moving towards a better perspective, but it is hard because I have been betrayed. What’s interesting is that although men have hurt me greatly, I find it easier to relate to them – much easier than it is to relate to women.
Most of the people who hurt me with gossip and rumors were women. They were my best friends who knew everything about me, who knew things that I’d been going through but decided to disclose my business and create rumors. It’s so hard to accept that somebody who knows you and knows the deepest secrets about you can stand in front of others and talk about you. That has done a lot of damage to me. But there have been lessons, too.
Being Intentional
In the middle of last year, I decided to be intentional in all of my relationships. I’ve always been a very honest person. I can be very blunt, and this has not always been good in my friendships because I say things as they are. I don’t know how to sugarcoat things. I’ve come to realize that this is me and I cannot change. If a person wants me to change who I am, we cannot be in the same boat.
I am Not a Begger
I’ve learned to never beg for friendship. If I don’t receive the same effort I give, then I cut them off. This has not been easy, but it has been necessary.
Friendship is the Foundation of Every Good Relationship
Friendship is necessary for each and every relationship of significance. Friendship requires communication and that’s why the lack of communication in a friendship will make you strangers. if I cannot approach my friend and tell her how I feel, then that is not friendship at all. And if somebody treats your friendship as a “by the way”, as in, nothing of value, then that is not someone I want to consider a friend because friendship should be a priority.
Not Everyone Can be my Friend
I’ve had to learn to let go. In the past, I would hold on to friendships. Even if someone betrayed me or hurt me in some way, I kept going back for more…thinking we could work things out. There had to be something we could do for our friendship to last. I kept begging people for friendship and I kept getting hurt more and more.
But now I’ve learned to let go because I know that the first step to healing is accepting the situation and letting go. It has not been easy.
Trust God
I’ve learned how to guard my heart. Now I don’t rush into friendships. Anyone can ask to be my friend, but I have to be selective. I’ve asked God to bring friends who will help me grow, who will understand me and who I can understand, and who will not judge me.
I know that every person that God is brings into my life has a purpose because I prayed for that. I asked Him to connect me with people divinely because I do not want to hurt anymore neither do I want to hurt anyone. Each person who comes into my life is here to teach me a lesson, even the negative people.
