Celine Njoki has survived severe physical, sexual and emotional abuse at the hands of several people throughout her life. She was abused by family and “friends”, and gang rapped 3 times, with the most recent attack occurring in April 2018. If you haven’t read her riveting story, you can find it here.
Celine now joins The Weight She Carries team as a regular contributor and will be documenting her healing journey.
Each week, she will discuss her progress, in her own words, and detail how she is learning to deal with various emotions that stem from her pain. Her hope is that through sharing, she will be able to help others find healing as well.
This week, she is discussing anger.
Anger has been part of my life. I’ve been living with it since I was young. But I didn’t know that I carried this much anger. I lived with it, ate with it, slept with it, and yet I thought I was a normal child.
Anytime something would be done to me – like someone making a remark – I would feel so bad, but I would always hide it with a smile. I didn’t realize that it was something that was getting to me. It was like a monster, it was eating me up from the inside. I would feed it. I fed it by letting more and more anger consume me. I was angry at everyone…angry at my mum for leaving, and I felt like she played a big part in all of the abuses I went through because if she was there, she could have protected me from all the pain.
I felt angry at my dad for dying and leaving us. I felt angry at my teachers, my friends and my relatives. And I was angry with myself as well. I thought there was a part I had played. I felt like I deserved what I went through.
I also became angry with God. I wanted nothing to do with Him. I didn’t want to hear anyone mentioning God. But, of course, I hid it all with my beautiful smile.
When the gang rapes started, I became even more angry, and it was just a matter of time before the anger burst. My children bore it because, sometimes, I would beat them, or I would project my frustrations on to them. They became so afraid of me. I was angry at their father, who left me when I needed him the most. He left me to take care of the kids alone.
Every day, I kept feeding the monster in me, and the monster grew. I didn’t trust anyone. I thought that everyone who came into my life came to abuse me. I never saw anything positive about anyone or anything.
After the last gang rage, I sat down and asked myself questions: What is wrong with me? Why am I so angry? Why am I so angry with God? Why am I so angry with my children? Will my life end this way?
I knew I was purposed for some destiny but I didn’t know what my purpose was. I knew that if I went on being this angry, I would never reach my full potential. I decided to deal with the monster inside me. I stopped feeding the monster. I stopped the negative thoughts. I stopped being angry with my mum and stopped judging her because I didn’t know the whole story. I don’t know why she left.
I stopped being angry with the father of my kids and I stop being angry with my relatives. It wasn’t easy. It was the hardest thing to do. And I remember one day crying out to God and asking him to help me, to take away the anger in my heart, to create a new heart and to give me a beautiful heart. I didn’t sleep that night. All I did was cry and ask God to please take away the anger so I could be able to raise my children, so I could be a good mother, a good friend and a good sister. I wanted that for my children. I didn’t want my children to grow up the way I grew up with so much anger, resentment and pain.
It’s a journey, I’m not there yet, but I know that I’ve walked a mile. I know that I’m not angry at the things I used to be angry at. I know that I’m trying my best to live a positive life. I don’t look at things the same way I used to look at things. I don’t look at people the same way I used to look at them. I don’t think that everyone who comes into my life comes to wreak havoc. I try my best to see the good in people, and this has helped me in creating a bond with my children.
I know I’m making a difference in their lives. I hope I am making a difference, too, with my friends and those who know me.
To all my hurting sisters: I know it’s not easy. I know people have done things to us. I know we’ve been hurt and we’re angry even at God. But we can stop feeding the monster. And if you do this, the monster will not grow, the monster will die and you will live a life free of anger.
I now know that I’m the only one who can do it. I’m the only one who can live the life I want. People hold my hand, but I have to make that decision, and you have to make that decision. It’s the beginning of a new life, a life full of positive thoughts and activities. The beginning of the life you want.