Memory Thandiwe Ndebele is a 32-year-old humble and bubbly woman. Just meeting her, you can tell she is a warm and big-hearted person. Nothing about her personality shows the dreadful situations she has had to face. Her second name, Thandiwe, meaning “Beloved” in Ndebele – one of Zimbabwe’s native languages – is very ironic to me after all she has been through. She is definitely beloved by God.
Thandiwe is a mother of six who has faced abuse since her primary socialization stage where she said she first witnessed physical abuse in her parents’ relationship.
Being the only girl, she was abused by her five brothers who often asked, “Why were you ever born into this family of boys?”
She feels they were jealous of all the attention she got from her parents for being the only girl. It was at this stage that she developed a fighter’s spirit.
“Looking at boys, I thought they were abusive, and I didn’t want anyone messing with me. So, basically, I grew up as a fighter…I’d fight for everything; I’d fight for respect,” Thandiwe told The Weight She Carries.
As if this weren’t enough, when she decided to live on her own at a young age and work as a personal assistant, she was raped by her boss at the age of 17 and became pregnant as a result.
“My firstborn child is a rape child, and in the long run, (the anger) just piled up on top of the anger I already had,” she said.
When asked how she could love a child out of such an act, she smiled and told me prayer gave her the strength. She mentioned that all of her relationships, save the current one, have been filled with abuse and deceit.
A few years after the sexual assault, Thandiwe met the father of her second son, but discovered when she was pregnant that he was married.
She ended things with him, eventually got into another relationship and was married for seven years. Her situation worsened and she was abused sexually, verbally, emotionally and physically.
“My ex-husband (only had a Grade 7 education). He would never accept correction or advise from me and would feel as though I was trying to challenge him,” she said. “Eventually, he took off and left me to fend for the children.”
The pain and abuse from her past relationships morphed into anger that piled up and she became the person she resented.
A time for change
As the burden that she carried became heavier and harder to bear, Thandiwe said she decided to give her life to God and began praying about every situation that came into her life. This gave her peace and she felt restored.
“I also met a young lady, my counsellor, through her mother at church. (Her name is) Kuda, and she is the founder of WAS which stands for Women Association Survivors,” Thandiwe said. “She played a major role in helping me build up my confidence and heal. After several sessions of counselling, the anger outbursts became minimal and I was now a happier soul.”
Thandiwe found love again, she describes her husband as a man who cherishes her and never does anything to make her feel devalued.
“He is so supportive and understands my past,” she said. “My children also have a role to play in my healing, and they love me unconditionally and never want to see me down.”
Red flags
Thandiwe spoke about the red flags that every woman should look out for when in a relationship.
“Looking back now, I realize that there were signs that I should have never ignored,” she said. “Before I was raped, my former boss would always want me in his office close to him. I was a child then and thought it was required of me as his personal assistant. It is only now that I realize that it was a red flag.”
An early sign of trouble in her previous marriage was control, Thandiwe said.
“My then-husband would never listen to me. Everything would always have to be his way or no way at all,” she said. “Whenever I went around with him, I would get beatings and be called a “whore” when any man would look my way. I thought it was love and persevered through it, but now I realize that those where the signs that should have made me run and never look back”.
So, what advice does Thandiwe have for other women or girls dealing with abusive relationships?
- Say NO to violence – Stand your ground and know your rights.
- Put God first – in every decision that you make ask God, “Is this decision good for my life or for my children’s lives and the community at large?”
- Never let anyone put you down – Don’t let people judge you or put you down because you are a woman.
The verse comes to mind:
“He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3
