There’s no point in pretending that we have anything in common. I don’t particularly like you. Never have. Honestly, I barely tolerate you. I mean, look at you. You’re so perfect and colourful and healthy! You’re nothing like me. I’m brown and warm and soft. Like cake.
Oh, I see you trying to camouflage yourself as my kind of meal with your chicken and avocados, but I see right through you. Those are chicken breasts, and they’re grilled, so they don’t really count. Throw in something coated and deep fried, then maybe we can talk. Otherwise, that may as well be another cucumber.
Look, I don’t have anything against you personally. I am all for everything you represent. Good health, high nutrition content, low calories, long life and all that good stuff. But you know how sometimes a really great guy gets friend-zoned for life, even though he has all the right boyfriend qualities? And then he gets passed over for a total jerk whose dangerous, rebellious streak happens to be really exciting? You’re the friend-zone guy.
You’re good for me, little to no negative side effects. You’re good for the environment! You’re the sensible choice. And every time I go crazy with that chocolate cake and it leaves me feeling gross, you’re always there to pick me up and make me feel better. But no matter how hard you try to excite me with your mixed bell peppers and olives, I’m just not that into you.
But the fact is I’m a little older now, and I really want to do better. I am not ready to walk away from chocolate and pasta and…well, food. So how about we start off slow? You can come to my family dinners, but only as a featuring act. Don’t get ahead of yourself, you are not the main dish! You just make my plate look pretty and I appreciate that.
I’ve heard that if you fill your mind with positive thoughts, you won’t have to work too hard to get rid of negative ones. Those will just naturally fall away as positive energy takes over. With that in mind, I’m hoping that by introducing you and more of your other green compatriots into my diet, all that is not good for me will make a natural exit. Maybe one day we could be more than awkward acquaintances. I might actually love you. In the meantime, just don’t hold back on the avo and feta please!