For the longest time I believed the best decisions in life were based on experience, facts, reasoning and sound advice…everything but you.
I never really felt comfortable crediting you for any of my decisions because I was afraid people would question my sanity.
“I just have a gut feeling” never quite seemed satisfactory. So, I kept you tucked away and refused to give you a voice because I didn’t want to be thought of as strange.
Experience, facts and intellectual reasoning – yes, these I understood, and to be honest, they made me sound more intelligent.
But you, you were a strange concept I didn’t quite get.
So yes, it was comfortable on some level to deny you.
I didn’t really take the time to understand you, and though you have offered to guide me countless times, I’ve often dismissed you when you weren’t aligned with reason.
Reason makes sense. Reason is more easily explained to an audience.
Too often I paid attention to an external voice that contradicted the whisper that came from within. I discredited you because somewhere along the line I taught myself that I need a second opinion to validate you.
I learned to discriminate against you simply because you are not audible, and no one except me can hear you. And because you require a certain amount of faith, I have often shut you down because you offered no tangible proof.
I’ve created this war between you and my mind because my mind yearns for logic. It is satisfied with facts. It needs to know how A plus B makes C – the conclusion. And if either A or B is missing, my mind comes up with D, for delusion. And since my mind often could not stomach your persuasion and failed to make sense of you, I placed you in a box and labeled you “Circumstantial Evidence.”
But there is nothing circumstantial about you.
You work in a way that is subtle at first, but when I do not heed you get louder and louder. You never show all your cards up front because that’s not how you work. You are not bound by rules of evidence and you keep your reasons for alarm to yourself. But because humans have the propensity to only believe science and facts, we have silenced your voice and deemed anyone who trusts you delusional. There is that word again.
We have denied that you are a gift from God to guide us and protect us from danger. But because we cannot explain you, much like we can’t explain God, we cast you aside anytime reason challenges you and we feel pressured to explain you. But the truth about reason is that it doesn’t always apply.
Reason is not personal, you are.
You see, a decision that is reasonable for someone else may be a bad choice for me. But you know that already. Of course you do, you are my internal guide.
I know you are sometimes in conflict with my mind, and my mind tends to be controlling. So I often give in to what satisfies my brain. But you are equally as valuable.
What I realize now is that the reason I often dismissed you in the past is because of my own insecurities. My self-confidence was lacking. I cared too much about others’ opinion of me, and I didn’t want them to think I was crazy.
But over the years I have come to know that you are never wrong. Whenever I have doubted you I have always found out later that you were spot on.
So, forgive me for not trusting you in the past. I will no longer question you and ask you to explain yourself to me. That’s not how you work, and I’m finally OK with that. I have decided to simply trust you.
Vimbai E. is a writer, journalist, ghostwriter and the founder of The Weight She Carries. With hundreds of articles publishing online, in print and for broadcast, her love of language and storytelling shines through every piece of writing that bears her name.