One of the most important lessons that has had an enormous impact on my life is learning that I cannot change people.
Somewhere along the line, women in particular, are made to believe that if we are good enough, kind enough and love people enough, they will have no choice but to reciprocate and be good to us. But that is often not the case.
Please don’t misunderstand me; it’s always good to try to see the good in people and to give them the benefit of the doubt. It’s good to forgive people when they wrong you. It’s good to try your best to preserve relationships with people by attempting to resolve whatever issues are causing a problem. It’s also good to walk away.
There is a lot that you don’t have control over. You cannot control how someone treats you, but you can control how you respond. People often mistreat others because they are empty or hurting. And like an open wound, their issues pour out from a place where they are hurting and leave a stain on anything they come in contact with. It’s not personal, they’re just bleeding.
I used to take it so personally when someone hurt me. I would spend so much time trying to get in their head to figure out why they’d treated me badly, and conclude that they just didn’t like me, which would make me feel sad. Now I realize that figuring out people’s behaviour is best left to psychologists.
People are wounded in all kinds of ways, and sometimes they just don’t know how to deal with that pain, so they hurt other people instead. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep taking it.
Minor cuts are usually easy to treat, and maybe your love and support will be enough to stop the bleeding, dress the wound and facilitate healing for that person. But sometimes it won’t. There are some issues are so deep-seated that they are beyond what you can manage, and the more you try to help, the worse off you both will be.
Help doesn’t always mean rushing to someone’s rescue every time they’re in need. All that does is make you a crutch and an enabler. Help sometimes means stepping aside so the other person can find their own way.
We’ve been instructed to love others, not to be their saviour. Know the difference. Some people need to be loved from a distance for their sake and yours.
Vimbai E. is a content marketer, ghostwriter, and the founder of The Weight She Carries. With hundreds of articles and stories publishing online, in print and for broadcast, her love of language and storytelling shines through every piece of writing that bears her name.