First question. Have you ever eavesdropped on a conversation between two people, where one is going off on the other? I mean, straight disrespect, cruelty even, venom dripping off every word. When this happens, often times, we get the urge to rush to the other party’s defense, even if we don’t know the whole story.
Whether we actually do jump in and break it up or not, most of us have this thing in us that tells us that nobody deserves to be spoken to in certain ways.
Next question. Have you ever eavesdropped on your own internal conversations with yourself? I mean, just listen to the things some of us have said about ourselves, about everything from our physical appearance to our worth as human beings.
I wish you looked more like [insert name]…
You really shouldn’t be eating that muffin; you’re starting to look like one…
Don’t bother trying; you never see anything through anyway…
If you could just drop a few lbs….
If you leave him, you will be all alone; no one else will love you…
Your skin is too light/too dark; your lips are too thick/where are your lips?
There are too many things that get said within the safe confines of our internal dialogue, I could go on and on. But here’s what I want you to do. First of all, add your own self criticism to the list, whatever it may be. Then I want you to take yourself out of it. This is no longer about you. Instead, imagine your best friend, or your daughter, your sister or your mom is on the receiving end of these comments. Aaahhh…it feels a little different now, doesn’t it? But we’re still not done. Now I want you to imagine some man saying those things to her. Oh, you just got mad, didn’t you?
How dare he? Who does he think he is? You want to tell him where to shove his stupid opinions, don’t you?!
Because the truth is, when I think about my mother or sisters or daughters, I have no desire for them to look like anyone other than themselves, warts and all. I’m the one telling my sisters that no one cares about cellulite, they look gorgeous anyhow! I don’t care how many times my friends fall flat on their faces, I am rooting for them all the way to keep trying to achieve whatever it is they are working toward. I don’t let them wallow in self-pity when things go wrong. It’s always “on to the next one” and we try something different; never give up!
The women close to my heart are far from perfect, but I still manage to love them dearly and look beyond their flaws, and I defy any man that dares to come against them with his dumb and ignorant remarks. So why is it that we expect perfection from ourselves? Why don’t we extend the same kind of grace to ourselves that we do our friends and loved ones? Why do we allow our own voice to destroy us and chip away at our confidence?
The truth is, my inner voice stays with me much longer than the opinion of another person. My inner voice is my real “till death do us part.” If me and the voice get it together, there is not a person on this earth that can control the way I feel about myself and the world around me. I’m not talking about lying to myself, or trying to convince myself that I’m good, when I’m really not. It’s about letting go of the negative conversation I have with myself, that only serves to dull my shine.
It’s not about not trying to improve myself. It’s about loving myself through the process of improving myself. It’s essentially about improving myself because I love myself, not so that I love myself.
So the next time you look in the mirror, watch your mouth and talk to yourself with the respect and love you think your sister/mother/daughter/best friend deserves, because when they’re not around, you have to be your own BFF.
