(The following story was narrated to The Weight She Carries contributor Ivy Chibanda.)
When I look back, I cannot say I should have known better. I knew better but I was too blinded by love to face reality. I am now left with a limping leg and scars all over my once beautiful body. All I can do now is advise my fellow women to be cautious of their lives and never to be too blinded by love.
I fell in love with my boyfriend, now ex-husband, when I was 19. That was my first year in university. I was a decent girl then until James, a fourth-year student asked me out. He was quite the charmer. I fell in love with him immediately and I felt I was the luckiest girl in the world.
From the time we started dating, James would always check on me. He wanted to know my every move and at times I was forbidden to go out with my friends for a girl’s night out or a simple lunch. I was either at school for a lecture or I was at home. If it was a lunch, he had to know who was going, what was the purpose and how long I would be out there. He was looking out for me, I was his responsibility, so he said. I believed him and being naïve, I thought he was sweet.
I remember the first time he hit me. It was towards the end of the semester and my classmates had planned an end-of-semester party. I begged him to go, but as usual, he said no. I could have gone without his permission, but I didn’t have any money. He kept my pocket money and gave it to me every day upon request and explanation of why I needed it. My friends, knowing how much I wanted to go, came to ask on my behalf to let me go (I had started cohabiting with him), and reluctantly, he agreed.
I enjoyed this outing and we came back at around 7 p.m. With excitement, I began telling him about my day. He wasn’t amused. He didn’t even look in my face, but mumbled some words which I assumed was him complaining about why I had come home late. Before I could answer that our hired transport came late, I felt a whip on my back – a strong one.
I leapt in pain and I realized it was a laptop cable. He didn’t stop. Instead, he started cursing and telling me what a disappointment I was and how I was not good enough for marriage. I cried and screamed until he stopped. I was in pain. I should have left but I felt I couldn’t. Where would I go? I didn’t want my friends to know what my ‘sweet’ boyfriend was capable of.
The following morning, he woke me up and sat me down. He apologized for his actions and told me he had done this because he loved me and because he had been worried sick about me. It was just his temper that had triggered him to react the way he had. I understood and forgave him. That was the grave mistake I made. Hitting me became a habit.
After graduating, James would make surprise visits on me. He would ask where I was, and to my surprise, I would find him standing at my door. As usual, I thought it was him being sweet, until one day, I had told him I was in my room and he did not find me there. I had gone to my friends’ room and it got late while I was there. I found him fuming, and he did not wait for any explanation, he slapped me hard, accusing me of prostitution and taking advantage of his absence. After, as usual, he apologized and we continued dating.
Soon after my graduation, he proposed to me and we got married. It was bliss the first few months but things changed for the worse. I got beaten over the smallest things. Maybe for accidentally spilling water or for opening the door too late for him, among other minor things. At some point I was attacked for having a lot of my relatives come to visit.
You might think I had no support system, I did. Believe me, I always attended domestic violence workshops and I was one of the ladies advising women to report any form of abuse, which I myself didn’t do. To the world, my marriage was perfect. I thought things would change.
My younger sister noticed the scars on my back and wanted to report my husband, but I warned her that that would mean there would be no one to pay her school tuition.
The last time he hit me was the time I had asked him why he had come home late. He hit me so hard I collapsed and broke my leg. That’s what led to his arrest. I had screamed so loud that the neighbours came to my rescue. They are the ones who took me to the hospital and called the police who arrested my husband, and at that time, I decided it was over.
The trauma is real. It’s been five years and I haven’t been able to love a man since. I cringe when I think of the pain I went through. Many of us are trapped in abusive relationships but we don’t want to let go, sometimes because of love but mostly because we are afraid of what the world will say. Sometimes we think they’ll change, maybe they will. But what I know is that a leopard never changes its spot. Once an abuser, always an abuser.
Watch a man’s temper during courtship, that’s who he really is. He will not change. What he shows you during courtship is often a reflection of how he will treat you in marriage.
The only time a man should lay a hand on you is in love, and the only time he should make you cry is when he makes you so happy that you cry. You are special, don’t let any man make you feel worthless. Take care.
