“…for he who touches you touches the apple of His eye.” – Zechariah 2:8b (NKJV)
Where is God when we are violated sexually? Where is He when children are abused sexually? Where was He when I was molested? These were questions I asked myself for a long time, but I never got answered. When people would attempt to answer me, I would end up resenting them, and I would withdraw from God even more. I never understood why a loving God would allow anyone to be harmed sexually, so I tried to avoid the thought for the sake of sanity.
One day while walking from my homeschooling job, my friend Jambi called me to tell me that she had just watched my story, and it reminded her of when I asked her where God was in all the instances I was violated sexually. Then she told me, “Faith, God was there with you, and His angels were there too, sad, heartbroken, just [like] how He was present at Calvary when His son Christ was crucified.”
My heart became tight. I felt an air bubble stick in my throat.
My eyes became wet, but I held my tears. I tried swallowing saliva without making any sound, hoping to clear the bubble. Then my nose gave way, and the tears I held decided to run through my nose lol (Have you ever experienced this? When you hold your tears, but your nose decides to betray you, then you begin getting a migraine?) I had some pocket tissues, and that saved the situation.
That thought didn’t end there. It reminded me of a passage I once read from a Bible commentary, The Desire of Ages:
“In that thick darkness God's presence was hidden. He makes darkness His pavilion, and conceals His glory from human eyes. God and His holy angels were beside the cross. The Father was with His Son. Yet His presence was not revealed. Had His glory flashed forth from the cloud, every human beholder would have been destroyed. And in that dreadful hour Christ was not to be comforted with the Father's presence. He trod the winepress alone, and of the people there was none with Him.” (pg. 753)
This thought kept me for a while until one day, I watched a news story about a girl who was molested, and my soul began crying for justice! I felt angry towards God, and I began asking Him where He was and why He didn’t protect me. I could not articulate what I was feeling at that time. I wanted to escape those thoughts. I wanted someone to take away the burden I had in my heart, but I couldn’t find anyone, so I wrote a prayer to God asking Him how long I’d have to endure that burden.
A thought came to my mind, and I decided to read the last book of the Bible, Revelation. That’s where I got an answer, in chapter five. It spoke of how Jesus was the only worthy person to open the scroll. He is the only worthy person to handle our pain and comfort us deeply because He too was wounded, yet He did not sin. He will give us justice because He is the Lion of the tribe of Judah. I paused in awe after reading that chapter, and I thanked God for that revelation.
I found peace knowing that Jesus was once tempted to feel alone when He cried, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” yet He did not sin, and that makes Him a worthy saviour because He is touched with the feelings of our infirmities (Hebrews 4:15).
You are not defined by the evil that was done to you. God calls you the apple of His eye. We are defined by what Jesus did for us, suffering for us that through Him we can find our truest identity as His children.
Keep winning. You are loved.
Faith is a Children’s Content Creator at Learn & Grow enterprises, Storyteller and Mental Health Advocate. She tells her story to offer hope, help and healing to survivors of sexual trauma.