By Wambui Ng’ang’a
I was born and raised upcountry. Growing up as a normal child, I found myself living with my maternal grandparents. I grew up with my younger brother whom we were so close in terms of age. I grew knowing my name as Grace, but once in a while, I would go out to the market and people would call me a different name. I was young and didn’t understand until I was much older.
My mum was married to my dad, who I would later be told, physically abused her often. One night, when she was pregnant with my brother, he closed us (me and my pregnant mum) in the house, poured paraffin and lit the house on fire. My mum escaped through the window and that’s how our lives were saved. She went back home to her parents’ home and never remarried.
She changed my name from my paternal grandmother’s name to my maternal grandmother’s name. That’s why people kept calling me a different name.
We grew up in my grandparents’ home. My grandmother raised me because when I was two, my mum set out to the coast province in search for work, leaving my brother and I with my grandparents.
In late 90s, when I was 10, my mum came home permanently. That’s the first time I first saw my dad. He would come to beg mum to take him back, but she stood her ground. No one told me who he was. I didn’t have the courage to ask my mum about him. I grew up at a time where children didn’t ask parents about such things. I later found out on my own that he was my father.
I had been teased at school for not having a dad, so I was really happy to know that I had one. I wanted to get to know him but my mother wouldn’t allow it. So, I did it in secret. I would sneak out of the house and go find him at the shopping centre, talk to him and then go back home. Over time, I formed a bond with him.
One school holiday when I returned home from boarding school, I just found him loitering in the streets and looking so dirty. He had become like a mad man. He had lost his mind and couldn’t even remember me.
I took him to a hotel and got him cleaned up and slowly his memory began to improve. I was the only one looking out for him.
I went back to school and within two weeks, my mum notified me that he had died, and I needed to go to the funeral. I had hoped to get him into rehab the next time I was home, but I didn’t get the chance. I was just starting to love him and know him, and his death broke my heart. I couldn’t even bring myself to attend his funeral. He passed in 2006.
I couldn’t express my grief because no one knew about our relationship. People thought I didn’t attend his funeral because I had no attachment to him, but in actuality, it was too painful for me to be there.
I grieved in secrecy. In 2007, I did my high school exams. I passed but didn’t perform as well as I could have. My father’s death deeply affected me.
Exactly two years after my dad passed, my mother suddenly complained about pain one day. One of my uncles agreed to take her to the hospital, but upon arrival, she was pronounced dead.
I will still dealing with the loss of my dad and the outcome of my exams. Now, I’ve lost my mum. She wasn’t even sick. My world crashed.
So now I’m staying with my grandparents and have lost both parents within two years. Soon after the burial, my grandmother got sick. She lost her memory, her mobility and became somewhat disabled. This was the second mother that I knew. She raised me. I knew her as my mum. Now, I had to feed her; I had to bathe her. My grandfather couldn’t take care of her because he was a drunkard.
I had to forego college for some time so I could take care of her. And while I was taking care of her, I also had to be looking for food to feed us and look for school fees for my younger brother. I was 17 at the time.
In 2012, my grandmother passed away.
When somebody dies in the family, people come around and are they immediately after it happens. But after a while, people go away and carry on with their lives and you are left alone.
So now I am left dealing with my grandpa, who is a drunkard. I began to understand my grandfather because, for men, they grieve differently. For him to deal with it, he drank a lot of alcohol. Now I understand it but back then I didn’t.
A month later, one of her my uncles, whom I was close to, couldn’t deal with the loss of his mother. He passed away as well.
I thought I should take some poison and die because the pain was too much. But I knew I had my brother who was depending on me, so I needed to be there for him.
Since I couldn’t take care of my grandpa – I couldn’t wash him or anything like that – I had to go and find someone who could take care of him and I would supervise them.
When I was in school, I didn’t have a place to go for holidays because when I went home it would bring back bad memories. So, I got into a relationship with a guy. I was still naive in college. But when I was 21, I found out that I was pregnant. I was raised in church and so I knew I shouldn’t abort the baby.
In 2013, I gave birth and then two days later, my baby son passed away. I don’t know the reason to date. I didn’t know what to do. I was numb. I slid into depression. I couldn’t be a wife, I couldn’t take care of myself, so the relationship came to an end.
I slept the whole of 2013. I would wake up, eat, bathe and go back to sleep. I was afraid of getting close to people. My friends, who were just young and enjoying life, couldn’t understand my level of pain. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I didn’t have relatives to talk to. I felt so much pain.
By the end of 2013, I asked God to give me the courage to move on. I knew at that point that it was only God who could help me.
In 2014, my grandfather passed away. I slipped back into depression. I felt like it was just my brother and I all alone in the world. My aunties (mother’s sisters) were all married, and when a woman is married, they focus more on their husband’s side of the family.
I got used to death. I got used to sorrow and my heart became numb.
That year, I met a male friend who I quickly gravitated to. He was there for me and was a listening ear. I found love again. When you’re in a bad situation and you find someone who understands you, it’s beautiful. All the love I had I heaped onto him. Things went really well and by God’s grace, I was able to conceive again. I had a son in September 2015.
In early 2018, I started noticing some weird behaviors with my son’s father. When a man is cheating, you notice it by his behavior or by how you feel. I came to find out that the man I had trusted my life with was seeing someone behind my back. That broke me more than the deaths did.
I couldn’t stay with him any longer because the pain was too much. We had invested in a business together and when we broke up everything fell apart. I couldn’t work and I lost everything. I didn’t know whether God sent this man as an angel to help me or if he was a devil sent to destroy me.
It’s been almost a year, but I can tell that the grace of God is with me. I started healing from the breakup. I had to start all over again, but this time, I had a son to take care of. I want to share my story to encourage people who have lost everything. I want them to know that even after losing everything you can still start over.
I’m 27 now. I know I fell, I crashed, but I got up again, brushed myself off and kept going. You have to be strong and you have to move on. You don’t stay in one place because if I decided to stay in a place of brokenness, I would have turned to alcohol or drugs. No matter the situation, you just have to keep going and ask God to help you.
I was able to graduate college. I studied clinical medicine. Right now, I’m working again. I’m running a small clinic.
The pain always intensifies around Christmas time. Everyone has family to go to but I have no one to go to. So I just sit and cry and ask God to help me. Many people my age are at the prime of their lives. They are young, they’re driving nice cars and just enjoying life. I don’t have that luxury. I have to pay for my brother’s school fees, and I have to feed my son. So I don’t have any money to spend on enjoying life. I have responsibilities.
I have nothing to show, I have nothing to tell people about so I often stay away from social functions. People often say that time heals the loss of your parents but that is not the case. There’s never a time when you don’t need your mother, whether she is 65 or 105. But I trust God. I know one day he will bless me and I know that all that I went through is not in vain.
One day I’ll drive the car that I want, one day I’ll complete my bachelor’s, one day I’ll do my masters. I have asked that God bless me with all of that. And I asked God to bless me with a partner who will understand the pain I have gone through.
