TWSC Series: Broken but Beautiful – Find Time to Meet God Daily

Photo: Justus Nandwa

“Broken but Beautiful” is a weekly column by Faith Gor, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. She shares her story and healing journey to offer hope to other survivors.

“Unless we know our need, we will not show up to God for help. Our true state makes us believe that God hates us or has rejected us, but God shows up in our lives daily, to just remind us that He still cares and has some legit help to offer.” – Larry Crabb

Abuse robs us off the ability to build a meaningful relationship with God. It’s hard to see how a loving God would permit any of His children to be abused. I personally grew up with an avoidant attachment towards God. I prayed with my lips, but my heart was numb. I felt obliged to follow religious practices, I feared burning in hell, so I managed to pull an ‘ideal Christian life’. That was exhausting Yoh!

I woke up every morning to have devotion, then end up dosing off while praying or yawning through the hour and not understanding what I read. I only got challenged when I was invited to speak; I would fast and pray, then take anything I knew to optimize my brain that I may understand the sermon and not fumble while preaching. After that, I would get exhausted and sometimes, I’d get sick after preaching; strange huh? My system was at war against itself. I couldn’t stop myself from running away from God.

One morning while praying, I got convicted about the on and off connection I had with God. I repented and asked God to reveal Himself to me. I began reciting Psalm 51 and Psalm 139:23-24. Then some pain that I had suppressed was awakened in me and I wept.

I felt God’s tender care for the first time. I never imagined that God cared that I was violated sexually. I cried uncontrollably, I couldn’t stop myself. This experience made me view God as a father who cares when His child is hurting. It enabled me to submit myself to Him as His child and receive the care and comfort I needed.

God is interested in us. He’s interested in your wellbeing and what troubles you. He’s willing to present Himself to you as you present yourself to Him (James 4:8a). The Bible reminds us that without Him we can do nothing (John 15:5) For in him we live, and move, and have our being (Acts 17:28)

In the previous article, The F-word, we discovered that we cannot forgive what we are not naming. We cannot forgive what we are excusing and minimizing. We cannot fully forgive when we keep denying the damage caused by the offense. The first step to forgiving is acknowledging the offense. This gives us the courage to say yes to the invitation to reason with God. (Isaiah 1:18).

Here’s what I imagine God saying,

“Stop running away from Me. Stand before Me exactly as you are, with neither defenses nor excuses, and then you’ll make the unbelievable discovery that I’ve come up with a way to welcome you back into a better relationship with Me than you’ve experienced before or even dreamed possible. To enjoy this relationship I offer, you’ll need to look deep inside and see what’s really going on in you, what you’ve become, and what terrifies you so much. Then come tell Me about it. I’ll take it from there.” – Larry Crabb, The PAPA’s Prayer.

The second step in forgiveness is talking to God about the offense. This is allowing Him to carry that burden for you, it’s allowing Him to heal your broken heart and nurse your wounds as He promised (Psalm 147:3). It’s allowing Him to take His space in your life and fight for you (Exodus 14:14). It’s receiving His forgiveness and choosing to relate with Him as The True Living God and not based on the false images we have of Him. The true description of God can be found in His Holy word; why not ask Him to reveal Himself to you through His word?

Satan knows that when you have a genuine relationship with God, He will give you power to overcome the self-demeaning thoughts you have. So, he will keep you from talking to God or to even read His word.

He will make you believe that your pain means nothing, that other people are going through worse experiences than you, but God wants you to come to Him in your vulnerable state, that He may reveal to you your true value.

I don’t know how God was presented or misrepresented to you. I don’t know how the thought of Him makes you feel, but I know that He cares about your current feelings, and He wants to make amends with you. He does not condemn you (John 3:17), He is interested in reconciling with you (2 Corinthians 5:19). He wants to make your journey bearable.

Do I have moments when I doubt God? Yes, this has taught me, building a relationship with God will not instantly end your pain, make you forget the abuse, or drive temptations away, but He provides a way to make the burden bearable.

Will you give Him a chance today?

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