The following story was narrated to The Weight She Carries’ contributor Ivy Chibanda.
Twenty-five years later I have been blessed with a family – three kids and a loving husband, but I still can’t get the grave mistake I made out of my head.
Given a chance to go back, I would have kept that pregnancy, but I made a rash decision. I wish I could blame someone, maybe it would have been easy then, but I have no one to blame but myself.
I was 23 then, and I was in love with my accountant boyfriend who is now my husband. I had just completed my degree in business management and all that was left was for my boyfriend to work for a couple of months so he could raise money for my bride price.
Jobs weren’t easy to find then, he was working as a messenger. Then his friend in Asia wrote to him and advised him that there were better job opportunities in Asia, so if he could, he should go and join him. I wasn’t happy about us being separated by thousands of miles, but he wanted what was best for us. So eventually I agreed, and he was going to leave. The plan was, he would leave and as soon as he got a job and settled down, I would join him.
All was set for him to leave, and we said our goodbyes, intimate goodbyes. Three weeks later, my period was supposed to come, but it never did, although I could feel light cramps. My worst fear came true, I could be pregnant.
Those days we didn’t have cell phones, so I had to go to the nearest phone booth the following day and call my lover to tell him what was in store for us. I bought a pregnancy test the following morning just to be sure before calling him and the test confirmed my fears.
I called him, and he was devastated – I could tell from his voice. We didn’t know what to do. If we were to keep it, it meant I would have to elope to his home without him there because he had no money for my bride price.
Besides that, I was the first born in my family, I didn’t want to be a disgrace to my family and set a bad example to my siblings, as pregnancy out of wedlock was and still is a sign of promiscuity and indecency in my community.
I also was the leader of the youth group at church. What would they all say if I were to elope? Then I thought of my mother – the hell she would go through with my father and the community because of this. I didn’t want the community to label her as the mother with a daughter who eloped. All our neighbours used me as an example to their children. What would they say if they found out I was pregnant?
I was distraught. All this made me convince my boyfriend I was going to terminate my pregnancy. He was worried I was risking my life and he reiterated the fact that this might cause complications to my body but, I was adamant. I was more concerned about what society would think more than I was concerned about my life. He eventually agreed and asked me to find a medical practitioner who would do it right. I found a young doctor who did all the procedures and warned me beforehand that I would bleed for a while.
I bled for a whole month and had sleepless nights because of guilt. I was caught in between the thoughts of what could have happened and whether or not I would survive the bleeding. I was also afraid my boyfriend would dump me after this. It was a terrifying time.
I had sinned before God and I had done what I never thought I would ever do in my life. I could have chosen better, but I was more concerned about what people would say more than how I was sinning before God. I had to repent and ask God for forgiveness.
I know God has forgiven me by the grace He continues to show in my life. My boyfriend eventually married me, I joined him abroad and we have been blessed with three children. Although it’s all in the past, the thoughts still haunt me 25 years later. I could have given that child a life, but I decided to terminate the pregnancy.
My sisters, I have decided to share this story with you because I want to encourage you never to be blinded by society’s perception. With abortion, trust me, the guilt never fades.
Mistakes do happen, but a child is a gift from God. Give them an opportunity to live. Never mind what people say, they will always talk. Instead, own up to your mistakes and prepare yourself for the future. Accept the change and move on. Life goes on. Good or bad, people will always talk. Give a deaf ear to other people’s opinions and move on with your life.
