Growing up, I was just this bubbly ball of fire, so energetic. But when I got to high school, things changed. I experienced a lot of verbal bullying. At the time, I didn’t really realize it was a form of bullying.
When I was younger, I wasn’t able to walk straight due to scoliosis. I would slant a bit because walking straight was very uncomfortable for me. People started making fun of the way I walked and mimicked it. They said I walked like a horse. That just crushed my self-esteem.
At the time, I was a very academic and sporty student. I was in the debate club, did taekwondo, and so many other activities, but I just started shying away.
Even in class, I would know the answer – no one else in the class would – but just for me to raise my hand became almost an impossible thing.
Eventually, I left that school for a different one. In a way, I was happy that happened because the new school had kids from different walks of life. That’s when I realized that I was listening and worrying too much about what people said about me.
There was one girl in my class who was very observant and would always come up to me and say, “Sarah, you are amazing. You’re beautiful. Why don’t you show it? Be confident.”
I realized that I’d been focusing so much on the negative things and not on the positive ones. That’s when I started embracing myself. I also surrounded myself with people who appreciated me for me. And slowly, the confidence came back.
But there was another thing in my early adulthood that I struggled with.
Being from an African background, people expect women to be voluptuous, and here I am, slender. Traveling abroad was amazing because people would ask me, ‘What program are you on? What’s your diet? You look amazing!’ And I was just like, ‘Really? Back home, a lot of people make fun of my weight.’
I learned to love and appreciate myself the way I am. And as a result, I started reaching out to others who struggled with similar issues because I knew how it felt to have your self-esteem hit rock bottom.
We should never suppress how we feel about what people say to us.
It’s okay to acknowledge the hurt, the pain. Don’t bottle it up. Cry over it, but after you cry, wash your face and keep going.
As an artist, I work with different clients and students. Everyone is unique in their skill and ability, and I realized that the same goes for me. I’m different in my own way.
The interesting thing is that, when I was younger, I always wanted to be much bigger so I could look my age. But now it is absolutely amazing to be 32, and most people assume that I’m 24 or 25. I actually love that!
Taking time to do the things I love is definitely making me appreciate myself for who I am. Yes, I may walk straight today, but tomorrow, my back may hurt and cause me to slant a little as I walk. That’s okay. This week, I may eat a lot and gain some weight; next week, I may eat a bit less and maybe lose weight. Either way, it’s fine. As long as I’m me and I’m happy being me, that’s all that matters.
– Sarah Tonia Gowoka
